Six Years Later: Thoughts on my Dad and Dealing With Grief

I don't know why this year, six years after my dad's passing seems so hard. This 6th year isn't so different from the fifth year, but the sting of death and grief is kicking me in the chest and its grotesque claws are ripping at my soul. 

At times I want to mimic a toddler rolling around on the floor, kicking and screaming, "Why my dad? Why did you take him? Don't you know I still needed him in my life?" I then brush away the tears and look around outside of my own grief and see so many others in pain and dealing with a loss just as I have. I wasn't personally selected to be the only one in the world to feel intense pain and loneliness that seems to want to drown me in its overwhelming depths. 

You see there are so many crazy things happening in my life right now and I need my dad's guidance like he so freely gave many times while he was still alive. If I could spend some time again with him, an hour, thirty minutes, I'm not greedy and I'd take what I could get. I'd make good use of my time with him and ask him about so many things. The funny thing is, I know already what his answers would be to me. He'd look at me with his big brown eyes and kind smile on his face and say, "Sheila, there's no use worrying about things, worrying doesn't change anything. Have faith and carry on."  

I've shared before that I was one of the last family members to see him alive before he passed. I was there with my kids visiting him in the hospital after his surgery. Right before I left that night my Dad reached out and took my hands into his. He looked at me and said, "I just know that everything will work out for you. Don't give up". As I kissed him goodbye that night, I didn't realize that would be the last time I looked into his eyes and receive words of wisdom from him. If I'd known what would happen the next morning would I have taken the time to talk a little longer and tell him a few more times how much I loved him and was grateful for all he'd done for me? I feel he did and still does know of my love for him. I did tell him often how I felt about him. We are just that kind of family that hug each other and say "I Love You" before we leave or end a call. 

My dad, Rolla J. Windley will never be forgotten. He gave me so much by teaching me about morals, strong values, setting goals, working hard, and believing in myself. When I was younger someone commented to my dad about how stubborn I was. My dad just smiled and said, "She's not stubborn, she's determined." Those words forever changed me and how I looked at myself and believing what I could accomplish. He changed a negative trait into a positive trait for me that day. I'll always love and miss him, my Father, my teacher, my friend.

****I previously blogged about my dad just weeks after we lost him. I wrote a beautiful tribute to him about the many things he taught me. If you'd like to go read it, here is the link. "D" is for Dad: Remembering My Friend and Hero